I wish this was not an aspect of our job but it totally is. When I was a young teacher and a parent showed up at school angry about something, I used to wonder what in the world I did to cause her to be angry. The first thing you need to know is that you are likely not part of the equation. That parent was angry before whatever happened that she was there to discuss. You are just the person in the path of the wrath. There are an awful lot of parents who feel helpless about situations in their own lives that they cannot control and the one thing they can control is their children. Therefore, all of that pent up anger gets spilled onto you because you are the surrogate for that parent six hours a day. That anger you are receiving is a result of their own internal struggle, not something you did. Don’t own someone else’s issues. 

 As a veteran teacher,  I remember one incident where a child came  to my class late. I said good morning to her and we continued without interruption. The parent, who was standing behind her, obviously ready to give me a reason for the tardiness, glared at me. Perhaps because I didn’t ask for a reason or because we promptly moved into what we were doing in the classroom without much interference. The parent walked off but turned around and came back because she wanted to confront me about how I greeted her child. She had a rather large set of keys in her hand that she was aggressively swinging for emphasis and I just stood there and listened to her rant. I did not act intimidated. I did not act concerned. I did not act like I was going to call campus police. The young teacher across the hall saw this exchange and got very nervous. She was worried that the mom was going to hit me with those keys. After it was over, she told me she was about to run to get help because she perceived that I was in real danger. She was me, early in my career. I explained to her that I knew that I had not done anything to provoke that tirade and when she didn’t get much attention from it, she promptly left. I am not saying that the situation couldn’t have turned volatile in an instant. My first approach is always to remain calm, and professional. Usually if you listen, and don’t try to defend or engage, it will end quickly. But, if you feel threatened or unsafe, don’t hesitate to take the conversation into a place more public than your classroom for your own protection. If you schedule a conference and you believe it could get volatile, be sure to ask a counselor or administrator to attend it with you. Sometimes a parent can try to bully a young teacher, capitalizing on your inexperience. There are people in that building to help you. Call on them. 

Again, I want to remind you of  the simple, but profound impact that using “Hook Ups” can have on any stressful or challenging situation with an unhappy parent. You can stand or sit in “Hook Ups” without the parent knowing what you are doing ( as I have done with many people over the past 30 years!!). In this relaxed, integrated position, you have the opportunity to access the formal reasoning in your frontal lobe so you can respond to the situation, instead of react to it. Oftentimes, when we “react” to a situation, we may say or do something that we regret later. Our PEC parents are on a journey with their child  that they did not volunteer for or plan to be on. The stress in their life is real. As teachers, we want to support them, while taking care of ourselves.

Pamela Webster, M. Ed., SPED